An Angel Returns Home

ABDELLAH IN PARIS - MARCH 2006

This is for me the beginning of a personal effort to recapture and understand the rhyme and reason, insight and lesson, and even beauty associated with what would appear to be a single event but which is really the culmination of a long series of synchronicities which lead up to, and even followed the event itself.

So, where to I begin? Well, those of you who have been following my blogs know of my wonderful friend Abdellah and our very special relationship, which included not only the lovely times we spent together in India, but even a 9 day visit I made to Paris to spend time with him in March of 2006. You can read a short account in the blog posts: http://mindfulnessjournal.blogspot.com/#114495322641587364

Abdellah is the only person I ever knew who truly and literally lived each day as it if was his last…truly lived in the moment.

The only meaning money had for him was as a means to bring happiness into the lives of people (not just “others”, himself as well, as he was a person who truly loved and respected himself).

NADDI


He lived each and every day fully, and worrying about “having enough for the future” was a completely alien concept to him. He was my living lesson in non-attachment.


BHAGSU WATERFALL CAFE 2003

Abdellah’s quest during the short few years I knew him, was to get closer to God. This was his reason for pursuing the different philosophies he pursued, such as Kriya Yoga. He was looking for the best way to connect to Him. Well, he is now where he always wanted to be. With God - and I am happy for him as I know he is at peace and content. He was just an angel here on Earth waiting to get back home.

A PUJA AT BHAGSU WATERFALL


And the lessons I learnt from him, I was able to put into action in my own life by using money “I did not have” and “could not afford to use” – to bring joy and happiness in a surprising way, into the life of another person. And this small act snowballed and the effects of my one small action continued to bring further happiness to others as well.

The lessons I learnt from Abdellah, the days filled with joy and laughter we spent together, the deeper meaning of living life to the fullest which I was permeated with every time I spoke to him, the smiles of joy on the faces of all those who knew him every time his name was mentioned, are all things which will remain with me forever.

He will always be with me. Abdellah was a practicing Buddhist, and I just have to maneuver my way over a bunch of ants so as not to step on them, or watch a mosquito fly by without "clapping" it between my hands (I did that once instinctively when Abdellah was with me (!)...I have NEVER done it again!), and I think of him. [Abdellah's Mother is Muslim, and his step-father, who he grew up with, is Jewish (he has relatives in Israel), and one of his favorite foods is kneidlach, which I happily made for him with chicken soup one evening in McLeodganj. I also taught him how to make challah when I was in Paris with him. ] I just have to think of sausissons which he introduced me to at Kailwood in 2004, and I am in food heaven. The wonderful meals we shopped for, cooked and ate together, the movies we watched with his wonderful insights - he studied film in university in the States - the insights into Buddhist philosophy I received from him, but more important, in daily living...all these things keep him alive within me. Showing true loving-kindness, compassion and goodwill to all - not an easy thing to do ALL the time, was something that he could never NOT do. It was simply part of his essence. A living lesson in truly loving and respecting all living creatures, including himself. Like the wonderful plans he had drawn up for his new home in India, originally planned at the farmhouse in Kangra but later moved to an area near Palampur that his friend the Banker in Dharamsala was helping him with. A beautifully planned home, lavishly furnished with the best of everything including giant full wall size plasma TV screen.







AT KOKILA'S FARMHOUSE IN KANGRA WHERE HE WAS ORIGINALLY PLANNING TO BUILD A HOUSE

Well, let’s start with the fact that the last time I saw Abdellah was when he left Dharamsala to go back to Delhi and home to Paris, last year sometime in May 2007 if I am not mistaken. We had spent several really fun days together as usual, but his time in Dharamsala was short and we didn’t have the intense type of visit we usually do in India, where we spend extended periods of time together. So when I decided to go back to India in February 2008, we knew we would be meeting up for 2 weeks the beginning of March before he flew back to Paris after his several months studying Yoga in Mysore. He would come up to Rishikesh, and it would have been his first visit to Rishikesh and I knew he would love it, and was excited about seeing him.

I wrote to him from home to confirm the visit, but when he didn’t reply I didn’t think twice about it, as this was part of who he was and I never was disturbed by his lack of response to my e-mails. I always knew he read them all from the conversations we would have afterwards when we met. He just hated writing. He would prefer to call me by phone, which he did every couple of months, usually calling on a Friday night and saying “Shabbat Shalom” and throwing me off balance for a few seconds before I realized it was him calling.

I then wrote again when I arrived, and again as the beginning of March got closer, but still received no response. Someplace deep down inside I felt a twinge of worry, but ignored it, thinking that he perhaps had changed his plans, and would certainly be in touch with me when he was able to. And then the beginning of March came and went and no word. I even met our mutual friend Nikolai in Rishikesh and asked about Abdellah. He also said he had been strangely silent for a long time…even for him.

ABDELLAH AND NIKOLAI AT KAILWOOD IN MCLEODGANJ - 2004

But he also agreed with me that there was no reason for worry as this was typical behavior for him…Abdellah was my big lesson in true non-attachment, and I tended to agree with Nikolai, but something still didn’t seem right to me. But I brushed it aside. I would be home in Israel soon (it was a short trip to India) and if I hadn’t heard from him by then, would call him, or call a friend of his in Paris, which was the only other way I had of contacting him. And I continued with the short remaining time I had in Rishikesh, disappointed with not having seen Abdellah, but figuring there was a good reason for him not being there with me. I was after all, enjoying the company of Ben tremendously, as well as my healing meetings with Dudi, and was being kept quite busy and happy as well.

When I arrived home, still not having heard from Abdellah, I went to call his friend in Paris several times, but something always “got in the way” of the phone call. It just seemed to be something which would not happen. And then one day, I forwarded an e-mail to a group of friends, and when doing this, Abdellah’s name would always appear in the ”TO” window as he was alphabetically first on my list. The rest would be BCC , but anyone who opened the mail could see I had sent it to Abdellah. One of the recipients was Nikolai, and he sent me an e-mail simply saying “do you know-just in case- that Abdellah passed away about a month ago?”

Well, first of all it is not an easy thing to write and I certainly don’t envy Nikolai for being the one to write it to me, and second of all, what do you do when you read something like that? You go into shock and denial at first, I can tell you, and then you begin to feel guilty about not knowing about it sooner (but how could you?), and then you begin to think “Why didn’t I call sooner” (but what good would that have done), and then you burst out in tears, and then uncontrollable sobs, and you need to sit down, you need to speak to someone, you need to understand, you need to comprehend what you just read, and you cry and cry and cry until everything hurts and there are no more tears…and then you begin to cry again. And finally, you can breath once again and you begin to realize the impact of that simple sentence. You will never see Abdellah again…not in India, not in Paris, not anywhere. He will never call again and surprise you with a “Shabbat Shalom”. He will never come up behind you on the street , say “How YOU doin’ my friend” and when you turn around, see his amazing smile in front of you. You will never cook another meal together with him,


KITCHERI IN MY ROOM AT KAILWOOD - 2003

drink coffee with him, go shopping with him (shop until you drop style) again, never watch another movie with him again, never have him watch you dance folkdancing in the guesthouse room, never listen to music again with him, never just sit and talk with him or travel with him, or laugh with him, never go to Udeechi Huts in Naddi for fried chicken with him, never, never, and more never!

UDEECHI HUTS IN NADDI 2004


And then I began to do my best to put together a story of how this all happened. Being in touch with other mutual friends I was able to put together the sad story of his illness and surprising death. I will not detail it here, as there is no reason to do so, but will simply say that he contracted pneumonia in Mysore, and by the time he was flown home to Paris by his insurance company, quite some time later by the way, the virus had done too much damage and he was unable to recover. He was 47 years old. I further checked with them and his family, found out some precise dates of events etc., read stories many people had written about him, collected pictures etc.

I refuse to dwell on the “what if” questions etc., as there is simply no point in it, and prefer to put together for you a series of small synchronicities surrounding my arrival in India in February, my stay there, some unusual things that I realized through hindsight which show the interconnectiveness of our souls even after his death. I can truly tell you that I “see” Abdellah more now than I did when he was alive…he is with me very often. Watching me at folkdancing, attending a recent silent retreat with me, and during one of the meditations sat next to me, and in his typical fashion of never taking anything in life too seriously, said to me “Well, I see someone has finally got you to shut up!” (He very often commented that I talked too much!). He is actually sitting with me now and has already made a couple of comments about what I am writing. I wear a bracelet he once bought for me (by surprise…sending it to me by mail after I had already left India…after I had admired it in a jewelry store where we were shopping together for presents for his family members)…and I can feel him physically with me. His presence is powerful and loving and gentle and brings me great happiness…whenever I am feeling down, he comes around and brings a big smile to my face. I can truly say that I do not miss him , as I very rarely saw him anyway. When I return to India in a couple of months, I’m sure it will be difficult, but I am also sure that he will be there with me as well, just as he is now.

So now, just a small list of those things discovered in retrospect, bringing things more into focus and understanding.

I arrived in India actually quite ill, having fallen sick at home several days prior to my flight. Upon my arrival in Rishikesh, I actually began running a very high fever, which is very unusual for me, I rarely, if ever, have even a low fever when I am ill. After two days the guesthouse people took me to a doctor as they were quite worried about my condition, and he said there is extremely serious congestion in my lungs and he suspects pneumonia. He was an ayurveda doctor and gave me certain herbal medicines to take, but also recommended 3 days of antibiotics due to the extreme severity of my condition. I was quite surprised as I don’t usually get this ill. This was around the 14th of February. Later on, checking back on my blog, I realized that the first day I felt well enough to leave my room, or the small area near it in the guesthouse, was on February 22nd. This was the first day when, all of a sudden, all of the symptoms I had been feeling, completely disappeared, as if I had never been sick.
A couple of days after that, I met Ben and one of the first things he brought me to read was a booklet called “Do Not Grieve” which he had picked up at a local ashram in town. At the time, I simply read it and found many interesting ideas regarding life in general, and graceful acceptance of all that happens etc., without ever thinking that I would actually need it for true grieving. But there is was…in my room….
another thing which happened to me and is also documented in a blog post is a feeling of sudden and deep sadness for no reason which overcame me, and brought me to tears which could not be stopped. I had to leave the company of friends and run up to my room. It lasted for a few days and only when I did a full energy cleansing of my room did I begin to feel better and start sleeping again at night. I tried finding a reason for the sadness, but simply could not….everything was just beautiful in my life at the moment. It is something that came from a deep deep place within…only afterward I understood what it was and what had caused it to service.
Upon returning home to Israel, I began my Reiki Sharing group and at the first meeting, one of the people working on me said she felt a deep, profound sadness within me, so intense that it was difficult for HER to bear. I again said I could think of no reason for such sadness to be sensed as I was in an extremely tranquil and harmonious time in my life and all seemed to be going really well for me.

Once I found out the dates connected to Abdellah’s illness, his death, his memorial services etc., I went back and checked the above things by date as well. I was SO intensely ill just at the same time that Abdellah was at the most critical part of his own illness with pneumonia. The day he passed away, and no longer felt the suffering from the symptoms, was February 22nd! The same day I first was able leave my room, feeling complete relief from symptoms as well.
The booklet “Do Not Grieve” came in very handy the first day I heard the news at home as it helped me to put things into perspective and come to terms with what had happened.
The day of the Reiki Sharing Group turned out to be the same day that a Memorial Service was held for Abdellah in the States, and again the sadness was felt by me. And the sadness I felt in India, well, my soul KNEW what had happened…it just had no way of communicating it to me on an intellectual level, so even not knowing, I also KNEW, and the sadness already enveloped me.

And of course Abdellah continues to do things for others even though he is no longer here with us physically. The lessons I learnt from him, and continue to absorb, lead me to understand that someone near and dear needed immediate help, and that even though everything common sense told me said I could not help them, Abdellah said I could and should, and so I did, and wonderful things have happened to an entire family through that help but with thanks to him.

I will end this post with my thanks to God and the Universe for bringing Abdellah into my life, and to Abdellah himself for all the wonderful days he spent with me, and for the lovely moments he still spends with me to this day.

Goodbye My Friend!

MORE ON FORGIVENESS

This will be short and to the point. I was watching a (really kitschy) TV program on my PC the other day, but one sentence of dialogue just popped out at me, despite the fact that I was barely paying attention. It was as if it was played on a loudspeaker at full volume and written in neon lights all at the same time. It was a lesson for me regarding a "test" I had been given the day before and which I failed miserably (and was frustrated with myself as well as very unforgiving of my own behavior, as well as the behavior of the other parties involved). It was also a direct message for a client who arrived just a couple of hours after I watched the program. It was a perfect case of synchronicity, being complimented by a card reading she did with me regarding a certain issue, and everything just flowed together to form a perfect answer to her confusion and uncertainty about how to move forward. Here is the quote:

BEING UNFORGIVING IS LIKE DRINKING POISON AND WAITING FOR THE OTHER PERSON TO DIE!

I wish I could give credit to the person who wrote it but have no idea who he is. Think about it and then perhaps take a moment to reread the following two links to other posts on this blog regarding the same issue:

Living in the Shadow of the Past and the Power of Forgiveness

Another Golden Opportunity to Get Yourself out of the Shadow of the Past

With much love, light, joy and laughter

Jane

Just for Today I Will Love and Respect Every Living Creature

…thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself…leviticus 19:18

If we look at this, as it is worded in the fourth of the Reiki Principles, it appears to be fairly straightforward. It is pretty obvious to us that one of the most important things in this world is to love and respect others, show compassion and tolerance, patience and understanding etc. We also know that we must be kind to EVERY living being and this would of course include animals, insects, plants etc., etc.

The original wording of the principle as stated by Dr. Usui is slightly different, but the message is more easily understood with the above paraphrase which I prefer using in my Reiki classes and in my own daily meditation practice.

And the profoundness of the principle, if we truly think about it, opens the door to an entirely new way of perceiving the ups and downs of our lives, of relating to instances where we feel we have been wronged by someone, or taken advantage of, even purposely hurt or embarrassed, or injured in any way. Of relating to the different people who come into our lives and the way we accept and embrace all that is sent our way by God and the Universe.

In addition, if we add just two small words to the above principle, it changes the impact and intent even more deeply. Just for Today I will Love and Respect Every Living Creature…INCLUDING MYSELF!! If we do not truly love ourselves, how can we possibly love and respect our neighbor??

I will try and give insights into the following two questions we must try to answer:

1. Can we truly love and respect others if we don’t do the same for ourselves
2. Can we truly be expected to love and respect EVERYone??


Before going any further into the idea of loving even those who we perceive as causing us pain or wishing us ill, let us, just for a moment, think about our relationship with ourselves.

Do you love yourself? Are you proud of yourself? Do you respect yourself? Do you take yourself for granted? Do you put yourself down? Do you say unkind things about yourself ? Just for the next week, in addition to saying this principle each day with your daily prayers, meditation or whatever your regular practice is, try delving a little deeper into it. Pay attention during the day to the thoughts that you have regarding the things you do. Check the impulse to criticize yourself, or be compassionate with yourself. Note how you feel when you make a wrong decision, or get lost on the highway, or break a dish you are washing, or burn the supper, or simply forget to do something important. What feelings do you have, what words fill your head at the moment (stupid, clumsy, thoughtless, lazy). What sensations do you feel physically in your body? Where? Are you automatically hard on yourself, or, perhaps, compassionate and understanding.

Think about this for a week, and I think you will be quite surprised at what you find. Many of us cannot even say out loud “I love myself”, “I think I am great”, “I am perfect just as I am”, etc., but even those of us who CAN say these things and truly mean them, are still too often overly critical of ourselves.

I would even think to perhaps state the principle in a little different way. Instead of “Just for today I will love and respect every living creature…(including myself)”…How about: “Just for today I will love and respect myself in the same way I imagine I love and respect every other living creature” . Said in that way, it might make it easier for us to realize how much more compassionate we can be with others, how much more tolerant and understanding, how much more patient and loving, than we tend to be with ourselves.

Like a caring mother
Holding and guarding the life
Of her only child,
So with a boundless heart
Hold yourself…. And all beings

…Buddha

“We might quite readily offer such care to others, but we can learn to offer this same kind of gentle attention to ourselves. With the tenderness we might bring to stroking the cheek of a sleeping child, we can softly place a hand on our own cheek or heart. We can comfort ourselves with words of kindness and understanding. “ Radical Acceptance”, Tara Brach, PhD.

For once again, if we do not GENUINELY love and respect ourselves, our pretense at loving and respecting every living creature is just that…pretense… Self love is the first step in truly loving our fellow creatures. And when we love and respect ourselves, everything and anything that happens to us, can be dealt with in a healthy way.

Only when we come to terms with our own shortcomings and learn to accept ourselves exactly as we are, to extend unconditional love to the beautiful person we are, to be compassionate with ourselves even when we are not all we expected of ourselves, to love and respect ourselves and recognize the beauty of our soul within…to feel worthy and deserving and freely offer praise and genuine respect to ourselves…only when we cherish our own being, no matter where we may find ourselves at a particular moment, or stage in our lives, only when we offer ourselves encouragement and love at each step along the way and appreciate our accomplishments-no matter how small, only when we stop taking ourselves and our own needs and wants for granted and understand that we are just as worthy and deserving as everyone else…only when we truly love and respect ourselves can we begin to truly love the next person.

Many people will say “I don’t expect anything from the next person (my children, my spouse, my co-workers, etc.) that I don’t expect from myself.” Well, perhaps we are much too hard on ourselves! Others find it easy to extend loving-kindness, compassion, patience, tolerance, understanding, forgiveness and encouragement to others, while they dole out to themselves judgment, blame, anger, belittling words, harsh accusations, lack of forgiveness, etc.

But it is only when we can find the way to love ourselves unconditionally that we can truly understand the words:

…thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself…leviticus 19:18

The idea has obviously been around for a long time and is not a new concept developed by Dr. Usui… The Great Hebrew Sage Rabbi Akiva said “This is the most important point in the Torah…the rest is just commentary”.

The idea of loving the next person as we love ourselves becomes very easy as we simply extend the same gracious and loving attention to everyone that we do to ourselves.

And that will bring us to the second part of this discussion…loving and respecting EVERY living creature:

Let us look at this idea of loving and respecting EVERYone …. This would seem almost impossible when we think of some of the strange, difficult, inconsiderate, spiteful and even abusive people who we meet in our lifetime. But there is a profound lesson in extending understanding, forgiveness (see the post re: Forgiveness ) , compassion , patience and tolerance to those who truly wish us ill. It brings us once again in contact with the idea of FAITH…faith that God is sending these people into our lives for a loving purpose…no matter how difficult that may be for us to see.

We must learn to Cherish those we dislike, even those we perceive as enemies, for they are gifts from God and we must be thankful for this blessing and pray for the wisdom to learn the lesson these people have been sent to teach us

We draw to us those who will help us learn about ourselves. Each time we are presented with a challenge dealing with another, we are really being presented with an opportunity to look inside ourselves to see what about us it is that needs working on, so that we may grow.

The idea of loving each and every person, no matter what, is quite difficult, almost impossible, but I present the idea to you for further thought and consideration, together with the following collection of quotes and insights, and perhaps your comments will lead to further discussion which will benefit us all:

Every person sent to us is a blessing meant to teach us a lesson we need to learn.

In the practice of tolerance, one's enemy is the best teacher.

Dalai Lama

Everything that irritates us about others

Can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.

Carl Jung (1875-1961), Psychologist ~

I have learned silence from the talkative,

tolerance from the intolerant

and kindness from the unkind.

I should not be ungrateful to those teachers.

Kahlil Gibran

What angers us in another person is more often than not an unhealed aspect of ourselves. If we had already resolved that particular issue,we would not be irritated by its reflection back to us.~ Simon Peter Fuller (from 'Rising Out of Chaos') ~

No-one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

Eleanor Roosevelt (1884-1962) ~

Nothing can hurt you unless you give it the power to do so.

~ A Course in Miracles ~~

The main teachers of patience are our enemies."
Dalai Lama

and with this I wish you all much love and compassion, patience and tolerance, and freedom from fear to accept and embrace all that is sent your way by God and His Loving Universe.

Jane

Life’s Detours, Their Blessings and Lessons

My life has taken a detour, again (what we perceive as a detour in our journey, is only OUR understanding of the turn of events. Truth is, things are unfolding exactly as they should and all things occur as they are meant to at the moment in the Universal plan of things)…and has, at the same time, given me the opportunity for further growth through new lessons learnt. When one is forced to take a detour on a planned journey, it does not mean that he cannot enjoy the scenery on the new route. Perhaps pleasant scenery is not part of this detour for me, but certainly blessings to be found and lessons to be learnt are.

And as such, this blog will once again take a detour away from the planned in depth discussion of the Reiki principles until this current period comes to an end. You can however see a very short personal look at how this period is challenging me and my personal daily work with the Reiki principles in the next short post.

I am, at the moment, NOT in India as planned. As things worked out, two days before my scheduled flight, I cancelled my plans.

I had every intention of going to India to revive my spirit, recharge my batteries so to speak and gather new and fresh energies to help me continue caring for my ailing father, and give support to my Mother at this most difficult of times in her life.

However, the situation being what it is, I simply could not have achieved any of these goals in India due to the deterioration in my father’s health and the need to be here at this time. I would have been unable to release to the magical powers of the Mountains and it would have been a simple waste of time and money.

It is my privilege to be here now and help in any way I can to make my father’s passing as easy as possible and provide support to my Mother at the same time. I will not go into detail (for reasons I will write about shortly), beyond saying that my father has not been granted an easy and dignified end to his life. It is truly amazing to witness the power of fear, concern, worry and guilt, and how they can keep a soul, already cleansed and ready to depart, prisoner in a physical vessel which is, for all intent and purposes, no longer “living”.

I myself have entered a new stage in my relationship with my father, just as lovers do when the dimension of physical intimacy is added to their relationship. It changes things forever in ways that cannot be described in words. If the relationship is a truly loving one, the new intimacy is profound and felt well beyond the physical level-as deep as can be-two souls meet and commune and become one. And in the same way that these lovers would want to share the essence of their new relationship without sharing the intimate physical details, so I myself have found it fitting NOT to share the technical details of the my father’s condition- not to go into the very intimate details of my father’s last days, but will just say that the essence of this added dimension to my relationship with him, the wonder and new depth in our relationship is a gift beyond words.

This is the blessing this detour has given me with my father.

To see his physical distress, pain and frustration, to feel his raw emotional distress and anguish, is probably the most difficult lesson I have had to endure so far in my life. To watch this gentle loving man go through this lingering, undignified end to a proud and honorable life is almost beyond endurance. My helplessness is unbearable at times-the frailty of the physical body vs. the tenacity and strength of the mind, and our thoughts and beliefs, incomprehensible. The will and determination of the human mind to survive in the physical is beyond rationale, especially when the body in its physical form has just about completely shut down.

I do my best to comfort him with Reiki when he is willing to accept these loving energies, as he is granted respite from his physical and emotional torment. There is a visible change in his entire façade, his breathing, his muscle tone and he seems to enter a state of complete relaxation and release. However, he very often refuses to receive Reiki. His fears overwhelm him…he is drowning in fear, the fear that if he relaxes his grip for a moment on his physical reality, “something” will happen. What that something is he is unaware of, but the fear prevents him from allowing himself the luxury of release.

Like many Western people, my father has never talked about, or even thought of, Death and certainly has never contemplated his own passing. He has no concept of “soul” and the only thing which is real for him is the physical realm. He has never questioned his own mortality or the essence of the soul vs. the physical body needed to keep that soul here on Earth. And as a result, he is paralyzed by fear, of the unknown, of his own helplessness in his situation, by the complete breakdown of everything physical, and yet the rational mind will not, or is incapable of, giving in or releasing its grip. The only thing we can do now is to keep him as comfortable as possible for as long as necessary for him to finish his own processes. For those lucky enough to feel no fear of passing over, the final moment becomes a peaceful one-but for those who are completely unprepared, the need to cling to the familiar, to the physical, is overwhelming.

This is a lesson which challenges my beliefs to the core, and to my great joy, I find my beliefs unshakably strong . That knowledge is reassuring and I am most grateful to God and to the Universe for allowing me once again to be in a difficult and unsettling situation which COULD have shattered all I’ve held to be true. For allowing me to look in the mirror , see my professed beliefs held up for scrutiny, and still find them steadfast.

All DOES happen for our Higher Good, ALL things are a blessing, and the human mind, our intentions, our thoughts, CAN and DO make seemingly impossible things happen on a physical level.

Insights and Empowering Experiences, God and Nature

And yet one more profound journal entry which I must share with those of you who do not follow my India Journals....

Today is October 5th, 2001 but yesterday the weirdest thing happened to me...I wrote a very long letter which first of all thanked all of you who took the time and energy to either call or write to me during the last few really rough days here...I love you and really appreciate your efforts. But I also wrote many deep "inside" thoughts and wrote and wrote and wrote and when I tried sending it, the whole thing disappeared...this has never happened to be before...I always do copy before I send and so if something happens the letter is still there..but thistime, someone else's letter came up on the screen...really weird.

So I wrote again, not quite so in depth and still refused to be sent...so I came to the conclusion that those thoughts were not meant to be put down on paper, but rather savored within and staying within just for me to experience.

I am first amazed at the resiliency of the human spirit. From feeling guilty about feeling happy – to exhilaration at dispelling a lifetime myth about myself, all within the same day. Life does go on and that is the beautiful part about living it to the fullest!

In spite of crises and difficulties with coping with a situation, life goes on and the beauty of discoveries about ourselves and our inner strengths carry us through.

Perhaps this inner awakening occurred simultaneously in me precisely on the same day as hearing about the terrorist attack on my daughter’s house almost as the Universe’s way of getting me through the last couple of days OR - as a RESULT of my getting through the last couple of days!! Don't know which! Whichever-it has been an incredibly rewarding experience for me and I will never be the same as I was.

No matter what I do when I get back to "normal"-normal will never be the same for me as it was just 2 months ago.

The revelations of my childhood memories during my first long walk made me realize that many things we believe about ourselves and allow life's experiences to reinforce for us over the years with our owninterpretations, we are erroneously basing on false perceptions of ourselves as children and adults. This creates modes of behavior and beliefs which stifle our very physical being for as much as 1/2 a century of our lives!!

To be finally released from these beliefs-to dispel a myth about myself and who I have always believed myself to be-is like being released from the shackles of a certain type of bondage and being freed to discover and develop all the wondrous things just waiting inside!

That a walk in nature can do this to a person is again proof of what I wrote awhile ago...the green of nature is God's way of showing his love for all creatures on earth and it is there, surrounded by his love that we can truly find our selves and achieve a true feeling of LOVE for ourselves.

I don't remember a time in my life when I felt so invigorated and alive. And not just physically...all my senses were totally involved in the experience bringing me into my most inner being as well asfilling an expansiveness of my aura itself with amazing energies, tingling through me and expanding outward to join with the trees and mountains etc.

These days, spending time with others is almost an intrusion... This precious gift of being with ME is a blessing and it will be over in just a few days. I will have a different kind of experience traveling now with someone else which I'm sure will be no less important and revealing to me.

I am just sad that this beautiful period of isolation by choice is coming to an end. I feel as if I could live for months like this and not get tired of it. There are always people here if I want them, but being by myself has thedistinct advantage of allowing me to NOT speak with or see anyone by choice without insulting any one or feeling bad about going off by myself. And no explanation is ever required! It is a true luxury.

Tomorrow I have agreed to try a real trek with Darya up into the mountain...3-4 hours up the mountain but with tea houses all along the way...she understands that if I feel it is too much, we just come back down without getting as far as the waterfalls which are allthe way up there some place. This will be an additional "test" for me and I am really looking forward to it excitedly...alot of the walking is in the forest so I hopefully will not have trouble withthe heat, and we are both taking lots of snacks along so I guess it will be OK.

Another Lesson From India so Appropriate Here as Well

Still working on my journals from India, and again came across the following, which happened in 2001 but is so appropriate to what I have been writing about here on this blog. Particularly the post about "Living in the Shadow of the Past". Hope you enjoy this personal insight and would love your comments.

Much love to all of you...and success on your own inner journeys.

Monday October 8th, 2001-8 AM

I didn't really know how to write about what just happened but it has been another turning point for me in my work with myself and my quest to come to terms with my painful past experiences which have had such enormous impacts on my whole life. To know the past
and to perceive it in a neutral light and to truly be able to forgive and put it all where it belongs...in the past...and not have it always accompanying me in subtle forms in all I do and in my relationships up to this day......I very often felt I had managed to do just that, but certain memories would keep coming back to haunt me and the same painful emotions were always still there...dealing with this and freeing
myself from this has eluded me… until today.

The fact that this happened on the very last day of my 2 months alone is for me, at any rate, very significant...it means to me that this was the time I
needed to purge myself and it is now perfectly suitable for me to be getting on with my travels with someone else...I no longer so desperately need this time "with myself". It is just another proof to me that we must never worry about "what will happen
when..." as the natural flow of events, the overview, is always in place and perfect for our needs...we do not need to waste all of our valuable energies worrying if we made the right decisions and analyzing each move before we make it and what if it will not "work out" and maybe we should have done something else. The idea is to just "DO".

I just read a quote by Ray Bradbury (of all people)
which is quite appropriate:

"Make your journey be a joyous one!
Don't think! Thinking is the enemy of creativity
It's self-conscious, and anything self-conscious is
lousy...
You can't try to do things.
You simply must DO things!"

Very apropos for all of us actually.

I really am still working on quieting my mind but that will still take time but the basic idea is "to do" and "enjoy" without thinking so much. All will always happen for our own personal best interest.

Now...What happened was I have been trying all kinds of techniques and exercises and processes to rid myself of several poisonous memories which have been keeping
me from truly feeling completely forgiving of the past and these memories were still preventing me from fully getting on with my life and with certain
relationships. I felt that none of the things I was doing was helping and again went to sleep last night feeling quite disturbed by the fact that I couldn’t overcome these feelings which always flooded back to me every time I tried working with the past.

One particular memory headed the list always and perhaps is representative of the injustices I felt as a child and I could never seem to see it in any
perspective other than a child being unjustly treated. No matter how I approached it, it just remained the same and hurt me and angered me every time over again.

It is an incident involving an ice cream tart and probably I am the only one who even remembers it, but, I have finally broken free of not only that incident,but every feeling of pain, anger and injustice it represented from my past.

In the early morning hours when we have "those kinds of dreams", a kind of video film of my childhood started to play. But it included feelings, smells, sounds, sights and impressions which placed me in the role of both participant and at the same time neutral
observer of the events and scenes. Places and people and sights and events and memories arose going back to when I was as young as 2 up to about the age of
10-12. So detailed was the "video" that I was actually there once again. I can still feel the
essence of the places and smell the food and hear the traffic noises while I sit here and write!! Most of the places and people I had not thought of in 50 years
if ever, and these came flooding back to me, candy stores, movie theaters, my grandmother(!), dancing school, on and on and on...friends, neighbors, it was unbelievable!! I wish I had some kind of dream video recorder to save it and replay for all of you to see!! But I guess the idea was just for me to BE there just once more and live through it as well - and neutrally observe it in order to finally purge myself.

Now this all sounds clever and nice and I know even while still watching it that it was working to finally get me moving on without the burden of my past...but as I opened my eyes (at first I had to rub them to be sure I was now really awake) a sparrow sat on the string which acts as my closet here and just looked at me...When I opened my eyes, it chirped as if to say "Oh, now you are a "free bird" just like me!!" (sparrow in Hebrew is called a "tzipor dror" meaning a "bird of freedom") and this is truly now how I
feel. I helped the sparrow find his way out of my room (don't know how he got in...was he here all night??) and then had an enormous cry of overwhelming joy and here I am writing!! I feel "light as a bird" inside and cannot truly believe that this happened to
me. Having the bird here to confirm it and physically emphasis the impact of what happened is almost unbelievable. But true!! So...that's if for
today...must truly assimilate what has happened to
me...it is quite amazing!!

Tuesday...October 9th (still in Mcleod)

After reading something by the Dalai Lama now I had an even greater insight into that ice cream tart incident I mentioned yesterday. It says when someone hurts you or angers you...not only to see it from the other persons point of view which is obvious...but to think
what opportunity it gave you to grow or something positive from YOUR point of view. Up until today I had actually not seen anything positive from my point of view in the incident...when all of a sudden it dawned on me...just now...and I burst out laughing...Am still smiling as I write this... I was given the opportunity at a VERY early age to learn
that you "cannot fool Mother!!"..a fact which probably made the next 15 years of my life a lot easier for me (or maybe you CAN fool her but you've got to be very clever and subtle to do it...so I was forced to develop some very useful tools for the rest of my
life!!)

FIRST LESSON FROM 2003 INDIA TRIP-SO RELEVANT TODAY!

I have been working very hard to get my India Journals posted on my other blog, and in doing so, came across a post originally written just 3 years ago, but it is a channeling experience which is so relevant to my life today, I decided to post it here as well for all of you who are not subscribed yet to my India Journal blog to easily see.
If you would like to subscribe to my India Journal Blog and easily follow my past travels, as well as my upcoming trip (I am leaving on October 6th), then you can do so by going to the following link. Jane's India Journals
I have not as yet completed my past journals, and still have many photographs to add to the posts, but it will give you some general idea of what to expect in the future....hope you enjoy, and forgive me for neglecting this blog for now.

August 20th, 2003

Didn't take long to learn...just a little over 3 weeks and one day...

"THEY" have probably been wanting to tell me for ages, but knew it was
something I had to "realize" first on my own before they spoke with me....
and as usual, it is SOOOOOOOO obvious it is embarrassing to think it
took this long to figure it out!

I've already begun caring for myself as I know I must, yoga in the late
afternoon, and beginning my morning with full Reiki, sounds for my soul,
pranayama, yoga, meditation in the morning (missing a hot shower for my
joints but you can't have everything in this life)

So why did I have to be here in Kodai to get back to this? well...this
whole thing just flooded before me in neon light clarity...

WHENEVER there are others around, no matter who they are, my healing,
caring for, "worrying about" energies will ALWAYS go to "the others"
and be depleted before I get to myself.

The lesson, as channeled to me while just finishing writing the previous
post and still sitting in the internet cafe is:

Learn to reserve your energies for yourself as well. STOP denying
your OWN needs when confronted with others in your life. If the next
relationship you will be in (hopefully the final one) is to succeed
(with whomever it may be)... you must first understand that you must
never again "lezalzel" , belittle yourself and your needs...You know
this in your mind and would NEVER allow ANOTHER person to take advantage
of you, to take you for granted and to always place their own needs
above yours. So why do you continue to do it to yourself when in the
presence of the needs of others. You know it brings you to the point
of exhaustion and dysfuntionality (word?) each time both physically,
emotionally and spiritually, and yet you persist. DESIST!...Learn to
be with another, and still be completely with yourself as you must.
Do not automatically “DO” for another first, before you've taken care
of your personal health and spiritual needs. It will do no one any good
in the end. You know that for a fact and yet have not yet managed to put
it into action. It is very easy to put aside the couple of hours you need
a day for Jane, when only Jane is around-the hard part is doing it when
there is someone else in your life needing you. This is the lesson. Learn
it well or you will remain alone for the rest of your life to safeguard
yourself. You will be unable to live in good health, physically or
spiritually for any length of time if you do not care for yourself and
continue your self growth and inner quest...These are things which even
the most loving people cannot do for you and the more you will love,
the more you will "need to do" for this other person. There is enough
time in any day to "do for all" ...stop neglecting YOU in the overwhelming
need of yours to “be there always" for others. Allow another to BE with
you and still BE completely with yourself. This is the lesson. Learn it!
You do not have to BE by yourself to CARE for yourself.

This whole "admonishment"- "nu, nu, nu" part was channeled directly to
me while I was still writing. Realization was my own...THEY could not
just "tell" me this. I first had to realize it...it took an awfully
long time and a trip to India.

Ravin was part of their plan in this as well…

No one before has ever been so aggressively "nudnicky" with me in
the past and succeeded. Quite the opposite-it always puts me off-the
more someone insists, the more I do the opposite-he is definitely a
part of their plan!...

It's always been sooooooo obvious and yet I never saw the pattern
until just now! They have probably been wanting to tell me this for
ages but knew it would be ineffective until the "AHA!" first came
from me.

It's not just needing to "take care of" others. It's always accommodating
needs and wants of others before my own. As I am uncomfortable saying
"not yet-I haven't finished my yoga yet" or whatever...and always prefer
"going along with" rather than confronting even when I don't always
necessarily want what the other wants...I am easy to please...but
don't always please myself...

I have never been able to say "I can do anything you like provided I
have my 1 -1 1/2 hours of alone in the morning and one more hour in
the afternoon as sacred times for me”… with nothing urgent enough to
change that!

So, now that I have learnt that lesson...what else is in store for me....?

Again...time will tell. As always, my thanks for this enlightening
experience and my sincere request for guidance and the wisdom needed
to "activate" this newfound understanding in my daily life and in all
my encounters with others...no matter who they are...friends, relatives,
co-workers, etc.

Living in the Shadow of the Past and the Power of Forgiveness

Like your shadow on the sidewalk when the sun shines behind you,

holding onto painful past memories

darkens each forward step

which could instead be filled with light.

The above statement may seem obvious, and simple, but it is most profound and warrants further thought and attention.

Holding onto the past is probably the most universal of all human behavior patterns. It is the rare individual who lives his life entirely in the present, unburdened by influences from the past. At the same time, it is one of the main causes of worry, tension, pain, sadness, depression, anger, grief, hate, jealousy, discontent,even physical illnesses - just about everything and anything that each of us would be much better off without.

So, how can we rid ourselves of this terrible burden? There is only one way.

Forgiveness!

Forgiveness does not necessarily mean condoning things that happened to us or that were done to us by strangers, and even more difficult to deal with, by those close to us. It means reaching a point in life where we simply decide "Enough!". I will no longer allow the past to rule my life and take possession of my thoughts, feelings, reactions and dictate the way I live each day. The burden of the past is heavy enough to weigh us down until we are bent over and unable to move, stuck in a place we do not wish to be but which we do not have the energy to move out of. Only by dumping this terrible burden can we again feel light, joyful, fresh, young, energetic, enthusiastic, creative, loving, caring, compassionate, patient and tolerant, content, vibrant and full of peace and tranquility.

I am attaching some wonderful short statements, dealing with the power of forgiveness...and how our past effects each step we take in the present. They are taken from a very long list of ideas for further thought called "Your Biography Becomes your Biology" which I will post in full in a later post. For now I am just "picking and choosing" for the particular idea of forgiveness.

There are also many wonderful techniques for releasing the past, and I will explain at the end of this blog the one which I find most effective. This is from both personal experience and the experiences of many of my clients who have moved on to wonderful new places in their lives after combining the technique with other subtle forms of energy work such as Reiki and Bach Flower Remedies-but it is a technique which can work entirely on its own if taken seriously and done properly and with intent.

Look for it at the end of this post!

• "Healing requires taking action--it is not a passive event.'

• 'What drains your spirit drains your body. What fuels your spirit fuels your body.'

• 'We have converted our wounds into a type of relationship currency that we use in order to control situations and people.'

• 'Healing means getting over the pain, not marketing it.'

• 'Therapy is a boat to cross the river, we just have to remember to get off on the other side.'

• 'Master your responses to external events--don't attempt to control them.'

• 'Forgiveness is like a rough diet with no payback -- you won't like it until it's over.'

• Just let go. Let go of how you thought your life should be, and embrace the life that is trying to work its way into your consciousness.’

• 'Forgiveness doesn't look attractive until we get to the other side.’

• Present time energy is its own transformer. The more energy you have in present time, the more voltage you can move through you.

• ‘Call back the energy you are wasting on events of the past.’

• We are never being punished, only being taught. Everything is a teaching.

• ‘It goes without saying that not every healing crisis will have a 'fairy-tale ending,' but every effort you make, regardless of how insignificant it may seem to you, will always bring you closer to a state of spiritual and physical health.’

• What is wrong with us that we have to have yesterday's grief with us today?

• Forgiveness is a path to my inner laboratory.

• Get bored with your past, it's over! '

• Release the need to know why things happen the way they do.' '

• Never look to another person to make you happy--happiness is an internal, personal attitude and responsibility.'

• 'Life is essentially a learning experience. Every situation, challenge and relationship contains some message worth learning or teaching to others.'

• 'Practice forgiveness of others.'
• 
  'Positive energy works more effectively than negative energy in each and every situation.' '

• Our emotions reside physically in our bodies and interact with our cells and tissues.'

• 'Nothing empowers our ability to heal as much as our love and forgiveness.'

• 'The soul always knows what to do to heal itself. The challenge is to silence the mind.'

• 'Spiritual teachings encourage us to grow past and through painful experiences, each of which is a spiritual lesson.'

• 'Illness can develop as a consequence of behavioral patterns and attitudes that we do not realize are biologically toxic until they have already become so.' '

• I am forgiving not for you, but for me. I am forgiving because I want my power back.'

• 'Get over it.'

• 'Feeling victimized only adds to your illness, and should it become a full state of mind, would qualify as an illness in itself.'

• 'We are addicted to the power of the wound.'

• 'Release victim consciousness and embrace forgiveness.'

• We can achieve a genuine sense of peace about life only by releasing our need to know why things happen in terms of human reasoning and by embracing Divine reasoning.'

• ‘We cannot seek to heal an illness without first looking into what behavioral patterns and attitudes need to be altered in our life.’

• For every time zone that we are in, other than here, we drain our life energy.

• Law of the gods: get bitter or better.

• A forgiving heart is an honest heart.

• Blame is a form of energetic cancer.

• If anyone tries to complicate your life - turn and walk away from them

• If it's not about you, it's not about you

• You can't understand what you can't understand

• Don't make simplicity hard

• Your task is to learn the lesson that the teacher has for you rather than to resent the teacher

• Seen symbolically, our life crises tell us that we need to break free of beliefs that no longer serve our personal development

• Our lives change externally as we change internally

• View every experience as a blessing and a remedy that serves your well-being.

• Illness can be a teacher, companion, or challenge-but not a punishment.

• Healing requires that you admit the truth about yourself.

• Embrace the changes in your life.

• Bless your difficulties and ask to see their hidden guidance.

• Be mindful of how often you judge others.

• Become mindful of your reasons to stay angry

• To be unable to forgive is to live in hell, burdened, miserable, angry

• Get in present time and forgive the people who have hurt you

• We are not meant to stay wounded

• To blame the other players in our drama for helping to teach us what we need to learn is the height of foolishness

• Understand that all experiences either make you bitter or better

• Practice the art of transformation

• Become mindful that remaining in a conflict is a choice

• Learn that the way to set change in motion is to bless and appreciate even the most difficult parts of our life

• Recognize whether you love yourself enough to heal

• Realize you choose to stay angry when you can choose to heal

• Sometimes the strings to our past are burned because we need a new beginning

Forgiveness Exercise:

1. Using a full size notebook or pad (A4, letter size), take a page and fold it in half lengthwise.
2. Number each line from 1 to 70.
3. Choose a person you wish to begin forgiving. This can be as simple as a teacher in the first grade who made you stand in the corner or as deep as an abusive parent. It can be yourself (but this is better left until later on in the forgiveness work) or even God! You may want to begin with something small and move on to the heavier duty things once you get the hang of the exercise, but there is no reason why you cannot “jump right into deep water” if you so choose.
4. On the left hand side of the page (remember, there is a fold line down the middle of the page), start on line one, and on each line up to 70 write: " I (your name) completely and totally forgive (name of other person)."
5. You will write this 70 times.
6. While writing this short but powerful sentence, thoughts will begin to come up into your head “Why the hell am I doing this?” “This is silly” “There is NO way I will forgive this person”> “Look at what he did to me when he….” Etc., etc. Every single thought, without censorship and without comment or contemplation, you simply write down on the RIGHT side of the fold. As they come, as they flow, just write and then immediately go back to writing the other sentence 70 times. DO NOT STOP TO READ OR THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU ARE WRITING ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE FOLD LINE.
7. Once you have written this 70 times, take the piece of paper and BURN IT.
8. Do this for a full 7 days FOR EACH PERSON. And burn at the end of each day.
9. At the beginning of a new week, choose someone new to work on.
10. As the days go by, the thoughts that immerge from the depths of our subconscious will become less and less. There will probably be no more left by the end of the week regarding the person involved. If there ARE still many thoughts, do the same person for a second full week! But this RARELYhappens.

Once the person is taken care of and the papers are burnt, you will feel an enormous lightness overtake you. It is quite remarkable. It really does work!

If something is unclear about the above, please feel free to comment below and I will explain further. I wish you all wonderful new days filled with the relief of "dropping" the weight of the past from your shoulders, and standing tall of joyfully embrace each new day.
With much love, light, health, tranquility and laughter.
Jane